January 8, 2012 4 Comments
Simply put, 2011 was a life-changing year. I know, I know, every year is, but last year was majorly different. It was a game changer. Love, career, travel, family, blogging, the changes were over-arching, one under circumstances I can’t say I’m really proud of, but fortunately most – if not all – for the better. Andami lang nangyari.
The way things are going though, I don’t know when I would be able to finish (or even start!) my “best of the year that was” entries for 2011. (May probably? Ugh.) I’d say blame it on my final, final school project and a looming comprehensive exam (both the only requirements left for me to complete my graduate degree) but hey, one needs to prioritize what one needs to prioritize, right?
So anyway, a few nights back, while everyone else was jotting down their new year’s resolutions (or secretly making fun of those who are doing so), Kite and I were fooling around. Okay, you green-minded people, it’s not what you think it is. We just finished watching a replay of a guilty pleasure we have that is more popularly known as America’s Next Top Model. Kite was, at that time, egging me to re-enact All Star finalist’s Allison Harvard’s Underwater music video. (Don’t ask why. :-P)
Video credit: PanicAtTiffany’s
I was seriously laughing my ass off of the thought. Kite posed as a director holding an invisible camera, asking (no, pleading) me to internalize the role and focus. In the end, the efforts to prod me was futile. As always, we ended up with Kite being the one doing the imitation.
Later that night, while Kite was fast asleep, it hit me; I can’t do it. I have never been able to do it.
I don’t know how to make fun of myself.
(Funny how this life realizations present itself to you yes?)
Not to make a fool of myself, mind you. I think that’s a different thing altogether and that I’m good at that already. Here I mean the small, silly stuff (i.e. remaking reality show viral videos. Haha!). I think if I extend it to a broader context, it’s probably me telling myself to loosen up a bit and not to be afraid to make those non-critical mistakes. It’s me telling myself to stop trying to be so perfect.
I believe this all stems from the many years I felt I’ve been made fun of. (Ahhhh, psychoanalysis…) Pity party aside, no one can dispute this. Since everyone else (ok, fine, not everyone, but a lot) had been doing it, I had no reason to do so myself. I’ve developed into this guarded person, one who is always in control. Add to that the fact that for the longest time, I haven’t really considered myself as an attractive person. Truth. Some say the test of being a good-looking person is the ability to not be afraid of looking ugly. My good friend Ivan, the perennial “crush ng bayan”, has mastered this already. As for me, well, I think there is no need to further expound.
So for a lack of better terms to use, this is my new year’s resolution: I’m going to start losing some of my inhibitions and will make the effort to not be afraid to make fun of myself. I need to take these baby steps if I want to live my life the way I want to this 2012 and for the years to come. I owe it to myself. And Tyra. I kid, I kid. I meant for Kite.
Photo credit: Chuck & Beans